Global BBQ

How to eat a polar bear and live to tell about it

2007-03-04T00:10:00.000-08:00

Polar bear meat is an excellent source of iron and protein. Polar bear fat is a great source of vitamin A and omega-3 fatty acids.

Recipe: Polar bear meat is usually baked or boiled in a soup or stew. And according to this Inuit website, please remember one very important thing. Do not to eat your polar bear raw.

They suggest cooking polar bear meat and adding potatoes and carrots for a healthy stew. Serve it with bannock and a glass of milk or unsweetened juice.

Again, to prevent trichinosis, make sure your polar bear is well cooked. Aging or freezing the big-lug will not destroy the worms found in his meat.

If you plan to eat a polar bear, as I do, also note that polar bear liver should never be tasted as it can be poisonous and fatal. The Eskimos even go on to say, "it is never to be fed to the dogs."

Why recyclables should be burried in a landfill

2007-03-03T21:53:00.000-08:00

Around my house we pretty much eat from three basic food groups: meat/animal, fruits and veggies and soda and beer. Since most of our food involves little or no packaging, the bulk of our garbage seems to be aluminum cans and those new refrigerator-pak boxes they come in.

Although I am proud to say that I've successfully filled up yet another black garbage can full of recyclables, I am also glad that our garbage man comes on Mondays...because the can is running out of room.

As of this Monday, it will be 13 weeks in a row that my blue recycle bin has NOT been pulled out to the curb.

Have you ever thought about all of the money the city makes off of recyclables? Don't you think it's a little unfair that we have to pay the city to haul away items that they will in turn sell for a profit?

I think, until I start gettin' a check, I will continue to have all of my cans, bottles and cardboard boxes delivered to the local landfill instead of the recycle center.

Why I will never recycle my old faxes

2007-03-03T20:51:00.000-08:00

I have a fax machine at home. By far, the vast majority of my faxes are junk...Asian trade secrets, once-in-a-lifetime real estate opportunities and the occasional Nigerian foreign minister.

Even though most of my faxes will end up in the trash, I refuse to use both sides of the paper. When I read a fax I don't want the other side bleeding through, forcing me to squint and work extra hard decoding the scrambled text and images from the back.

In addition, most of my faxes never end up in a catch basket. I threw the catchy thing in the trash because it took up too much room. So now, most of my faxes end up on the floor.

When I retrieve a pile of faxes from the floor, I don't want to waste time trying to figure out which side is more current. I don't understand how people who recycle their old faxes are able to sit around for 20 minutes trying to figure out which side they should be reading.

In a way, fax paper is like toilet paper. Unless you're a hippie, you never want to use both sides.

Video: Liberals drive wimpy little woman cars

2007-02-26T07:58:00.000-08:00

As the snow flies

At a used car lot on the edge of town - A liberal guy and a liberal gal - Buy a Yugo

And they drive with pride

Cause if there's one thing that this world needs - It's environmental friends who'll take the lead - In a Yugo

They say, "people don't you understand - Those suburbans are ruining the land" - But they'll wish they had a full size van one day - They point fingers at you and me - They say we're too blind to see - But do we simply use our heads - And choose another way?

As those small wheels turn - Fifty miles to the gallon - And their knees on their chest - They're gonna save enough gas - For all of the rest - In a Yugo

Then one day on the interstate - They suddenly lose control - They swerve to miss a baby duck - They're squashed beneath a produce truck

But they drove with pride...

And as the crowds drive past a little flat car - You know they saved a lot of gas
But they didnt get far - In a Yugo

And as they're trapped inside - At a used car lot on the other side of town - A liberal guy and a liberal gal - Buy a Yugo....

And they drive with pride...

The fastest way to flush a roll of toilet paper

2007-02-25T17:35:00.000-08:00

As you already know, here at Global BBQ we can't stand low flush toilets. As a matter of fact, we're currently working to learn more about toilet hacks/modifications, black market toilets form Canada and various other methods for increasing toilet flushing capability.

For now take a lesson from this vid. You have every right to use as much toilet paper and water as you need.

The dirty little secret behind British Petroleum

2007-02-25T11:35:00.000-08:00

I never buy BP gas. I only buy from companies who stand by the products they sell.

For some time now, BP has been running ads designed to trick people into thinking that they don't really sell oil and gas - or that their products are somehow different than the oil produced by other oil companies.

BP is ashamed of the products they sell and they're spending millions trying to deceive people into thinking that they're not REALLY selling what you think they're selling. This is called a lie and I avoid liars at all costs.

Today I noticed an ad for British Petroleum and was struck by the following announcement, "We're investing up to 8 billion dollars over 10 years to provide electrical power from solar, wind, hydrogen and natural gas."

Forget the fact that BP is still an OIL company. Forget the fact that BP makes 99% of its money from the sale and export of fossil fuels...And forget the fact that this kind of ad implies that BP Gasoline is more "environmentally friendly" than Shell and Exonn-Mobil.

A couple of things in this ad got my attention:

With sales of $268 billion, BP ranked #4 on the list of Fortune Global 500. So, $8 billion dollars over ten years means BP is "investing" about 4 tenths of 1% of its annual sales on wind, solar, blah, blah, blah.
I am always skeptical when I see the words "up to". When BP says, "We're investing up to 8 billion dollars over 10 years..." This could mean as little as one dollar over 10 years or as much as $8 billion, I guess depending on their mood.
BP is one of the world's largest manufacturers of Solar Panels. This means, when they claim to be "investing" in solar, they're simply spending money in their solar division - On things like; advertising, bigger lunch rooms, a new roof on their manufacturing plant, etc. Not to mention, one solar panel requires more energy to produce than that panel will generate in it's lifetime.
Natural Gas: It's funny how natural gas is included in this list. After all, natural gas is still a green house gas.

Destroy a windmill and see what you've been missing

2007-02-25T10:11:00.000-08:00

This is a good first step. Today, write your congressmen, mayors and other politicians and have these damn things torn down. Windmills are ugly and wind power is a joke.

These eye sores should be melted down and turned into diesel generators, gas cans or BARBEQUES!

If you have a wind farm near you, following are few reasons why you may want to have it destroyed:

Windmills maim and kill hundreds of birds everyday
Windmills require tons of steel and plastic, which requires enormous amounts of fossil fuel energy to produce
Windmills obstruct otherwise gorgeous views from your home, golf course or yacht
Windmills waste valuable real estate, making it impossible to grow crops in the area or build homes and commercial buildings
Windmills destroy the landscape for off road vehicles such as quads and sand rails
Windmills could potentially kill you when they fall down during a hurricane or earthquake

How my liberal plumber robbed me of my hot showers

2007-02-21T00:03:00.000-08:00

As a follow up to my previous post...be sure to check your water heater thermostat. Make sure your temperature setting is set to the maximum.

I had the plumber out a few months ago and ever since, I've noticed the water hadn't been getting as hot as it used to. Come to find out, that idiot turned my thermostat down.

I've found that the high temperature setting allows me to take a longer shower. A buddy of mine explains that it may have something to do with hot/cold mixture at the shower valve. With a higher temperature setting, less hot water needs to mix with the cold water in order to make my shower comfortable. By using the stored hot water at a slower rate, I'm able to extend my shower a good 10 minutes.

How to get a stronger shower by removing the flow restrictors

2007-02-20T23:34:00.000-08:00

There are strict laws in place that force manufacturers to limit the amount of water that a faucet and/or shower head can deliver in a given amount of time. It is a terrible law that forces God-fearing Americans to suffer through weak showers....the kind of shower that only a prisoner might enjoy.

Before installing a new shower head, I ALWAYS REMOVE THE FLOW RESTRICTORS at the bottom of the shower head inlet. The process is fairly simple and normally requires nothing more than a couple of screwdrivers to remove the parts and punch out the plastic flow restrictor.

With a little work you too can enjoy the strong stream of water you deserve.

Learn to smoke some BBQ and liberals will hate you

2007-02-19T08:24:00.000-08:00

Well, when you're ready to ramp up your contribution to global green house gases, this is a fantastic way to start. Man oh man, there is nothing better than a big fat, geasy BBQ smoker with pound after pound of thick smoke pouring from its vents. Simply awesome!

For the past year I've been steadily improving my BBQ skills. I bought a little trash can type water smoker last summer. However, it never seemed to get hot enough. So, this past weekend I decided to step up and join the big boys. I purchased (used on Craigs List for about 30 bucks) a much larger horizontal smoker with a separate fire box.

I started at around 10pm on Saturday and cooked pretty much anything I could defrost, prep and get on the grill fast enough. I even made two separate trips (in my gas guzzling SUV) to the market...just to buy meat for the grill.

By the end of Sunday I had completly burned through 2 full bags of charcoal and about 10lbs of hickory wood.

Facts about human farting and global warming

2007-02-17T00:38:00.000-08:00

Did you know?
About 1/3 of human beings produce farts which contain methane gas. Gastrointestinal Gas (Ch. 17 in Gastroenterology, v. 4, 1976)

First of all, if you're a methane producer, congratulations! Second your backdoor trumpet should be revered and worshiped by the rest of us. You should stand tall with your methane producing booty bomb held high. Let your colon cologne waft freely behind you...And let others know that you are a proud contributor to the increase of global warming.

More: "Did you know?"

The average person produces about a half liter of fart gas per day.
The average person farts about 14 times a day.
Women's farts have a higher concentration of odor-causing gases than men's farts

How burping sheep are destroying the planet

2007-02-16T23:58:00.000-08:00

Sheep in New Zealand are burping so much that they are damaging the environment. A 2001 BBC article reports that these wooly creatures' burps are actually producing more than half of the country's greenhouse gas.

They say the animals fill up with gas when they eat grass and this can only be released by burping. When they burp they produce methane which adds to global warming. New Zealand scientists have fitted some sheep with special machines to measure exactly how much gas is produced when they burp. They hope this will help them to invent food that will stop the animals producing so much gas.

Mother nature has been feeding grass to sheep for tens of thousands of years and the Earth has managed to survive. Leave it to man to try to fix something which is not broken.

Slaughter an animal and melt an iceberg with one drive-thru

2007-02-16T21:42:00.000-08:00

When my SUV arrived at the Burger King drive-thru this evening I was presented with a dilemma. BK has this new dollar menu with a dozen or so different items. The problem was #1, what do I want? #2 If I liked what I got, would I want more?

Of course the Global BBQ way to solve this problem was to order 2 regular hamburgers, 2 Rodeo Cheeseburgers and 2 Whopper Juniors. I figured that I would take a bite or two of each one, eat the burgers that I liked and simply toss the others into a dumpster.

With the help of Burger King, I managed to accomplish a couple of great things:

Together we contributed to the slaughter and consumption of an animal for food.
The amount of energy expelled during the grilling process could have powered a small nation for approximately six minutes.
I am responsible for almost 25lbs of green house gases being released into the atmosphere
I am responsible for 35 cubic inches of waste which will end up in a local landfill
I've confirmed the fact that cheese, onion rings and barbecue sauce really don't mix. And that the Rodeo cheeseburger was a terrible idea.

..and for the record, 4 of the six burgers were thrown in the trash.

Rinse your driveway and keep those storm drains pumpin'

2007-02-16T10:53:00.000-08:00

Well the gardener and his crew just finished and drove off. As usual he left a few grass clippings in my driveway. A quick spray of the garden hose and the grass clippings magically disappear.

And who says I can't kill two birds with one stone. The other day I sprayed Armorall on my SUV tires. I normally like to use excessive amounts of the stuff in order to achieve maximum shine and gloss. When I backed the truck away I noticed four large greasy marks on the driveway where my tires had been.

A couple of squirts of household ammonia, a little brush and the stuffed washed away with no problem.

No more grass clippings. No more greasy marks...all thanks to Mother Nature and this great stuff called water.

10 Miles to the gallon and I feel no shame whatsoever

2007-02-16T00:18:00.000-08:00

My Ford may not get the best gas mileage but to me there are some things more important than a few bucks at the pump. For one, I enjoy being able to drive up and over curbs from time to time. I like backing out across my neighbors lawn when I'm in a hurry and I appreciate the fact that I can park on my porch 2 feet away from my front door IF I WANT TO!!

Why you should switch energy-saver bulbs back to normal lights

2007-02-15T23:05:00.000-08:00

This morning I fired up the Ford Expedition and set out to visit The Home Depot. Today is the day I decided to replace my light bulbs. I've got a giant house with dozens and dozens of light fixtures and I knew this was probably going to take a while.

A little background...I've begun to notice those energy-saver bulbs all over my home. The family room used to have a warm cozy feel where I could sit and drink beer for hours. Now it's cold and looks like my office. And the bathrooms...There was a time when I could sneak off to one of the guest commodes, read the paper and do my business under a glow that made a man's daily ritual feel like vacation. Now, with these energy-saver bulbs slowly replacing my regular light bulbs, the house has become dark and depressing.

So today was the day! Today I got rid of every single energy-saver bulb in the entire house. No more bright white, cafeteria lights for me. I've switched back to normal lights.

The only environmentally-friendly light I've decided to keep is the one in the garage. I've decided to keep the one in my garage because I keep my garage light on 24 hours a day 7 days a week. This light has been on consistently for almost a year and I want to see how long it will last.